A New Day

i think i like this diary concept...

cause i'm actually using it *winks n laughs

actually i was thinking that all my work i did in yesterdays post didn't load up cause my pc was acting up again (it's always the pc's fault and never mine*laughs) and it wasn't showing my entry i was debationg back and forth with my self deciding whether to write that all out again. so glad i didn't.

i really like learning about BDSM. i actually think it could work for me. the things i am learning is just like wow feels so like me. i have spent a lot of time talking my poor friends ears off in chat - *wonders if any are thingking omg she's nuts... a number of memories of come throught to surface... ones i try to forget, but it seems no matter how hard i try to forget these memories it's almost impossible.

Yesterday i found a letter from my paternal Grandmother dated from 1998. I had written a letter to her and in that letter asked the question "why does my Dad hate me?" "what did i do that was so wrong?" She didn't answer my questons but told me "You must put the past behind you and move on with your life while you are still so young, don't let the past stop you from growing and moving on with your life." and then she told me she loved me. That was probably one of the last pieces of correspondence from my Grandmother. Shortly after i was informed she had passed. i felt sad that i wasn't able to see my grandparents before they passed on.

i remember them as a young child. my dad's younger sister Diana and i were close in age so we kind of grew up together.

They lived in Tawa, Wellington, New Zealand. A house on Willow Road i think. i loved my grandparents house it was a split level much like our hose we live in now. they had a stream running though their property and to get to the house you had this cross this foot bridge. i liked the bridge but at the same time i was terrified of falling into the stream. especially when it was raining. the water would rise pretty high. i used tot hink that the bridge would break and din't know whether to run over the bridge or to walk slowly over it. during the summer we'd go swimming in it .. nice way to cool off on a hot day.

my grandma always mad these exteravagant full course meals when we went to go visit. she always spent hours in the kitchen making some kind of roast dinner with all the trimmings including desert. my grandma spent her life taking care of her husband and raising 5 boys(including my Dad) and my Aunt Diana, she was the only girl and spoilt. My grandmother did all the cooking, cleaning, took care of the family and was the peace keeper. Downstairs was the basement. there was a door outside on the side of the house to get to the basement. it was so packed full of things and very dark. sometimes we'd play in there with Tessa. Tessa was their collie and she stayed in the basement. Just reading what i wrote and i can't help but wonder how much like my grandma i am?